The life cycle
I'm in the middle of finishing up my birthday writing for the year (which I've been working on during my lunch time all week) but that can wait just a little bit longer. I'm a little overwhelmed right now.
Okay, whatever, I'm 26. It's not old, but neither is it young. I realized that I was 18 eight years ago. Eight years ago! I can say I've been friends with people for more than a decade (we moved around a lot so other than my family I can't say I have "lifelong" friends). When my friends started getting married, it was okay, normal, still a bit weird and I always thought, "Aren't we too young for this?" That totally disregards the fact that I almost got married at the age of 21 and refuted anyone who said that I was too young to get married. What's in an age? Besides, I'm mature for my age. Ha. That may have been true when I was younger, but now I just get called grandma and I seem like an old person. Well, I'm starting to feel older. I can see lines around my eyes that didn't used to be there. They're only there before I put on moisturizer, but I know they will slowly creep up on me. I also notice changes in my body, and whereas before I never used to have anything resembling cellulite, I can now see it in certain lights and frankly I don't like it! However, I won't fight it and I know that it's mostly due to my inability to stop eating sugar, as well as for my current winter hibernation habits. A little extra padding on the belly. No more baby fat in the cheeks. I always imagined that all of my pimples would disappear when I got to my 20's, and though it's mostly gone, my skin is harder so when I do get pimples now, if I try to get rid of them in the irresistible fashion of popping, it doesn't work and it makes it redder for longer.
My hands and feet are veinier than they used to be. And although I have less dietary restrictions than other people, I can see the bodily results of my diet. Peru proved this to me over and over again. Let's face it. I'm growing up. I never used to feel like a grown-up, but I realize that I must appear to be one of those giants that I knew my older sisters to be when I was a younger. They were so tall, so grown up, so together! Of course, that was all seen through the eyes of a child. I found out my second year at ACE that this farce of grown-ups having everything "together" is a myth, nothing more than an illusion I am still learning to recognize.
But at this particular point, I'm feeling old for two big reasons. On Monday, I received an email from Peter letting me know that our aunt Naomi had passed away. I'm still unsure of how to process it. This is sad and completely unexpected news, as she didn't have any major health problems that we were aware of. Respiratory failure. This was my aunt that we spent holidays with, our ever so crafty aunt whose miniature dollhouse I coveted every time I entered her home, up until I hit high school. She helped Anna and me make iron-on teddy bear sweaters with sparkly puff paint around the edges. I adored that sweater and wore it for years, always happy that she helped me make something of my own. She was a strong woman and kind to her nieces and nephews (though perhaps not always kind to her sisters-in-law!). She also had the Ferguson gift of gab and loved to talk up a storm. Just like my dad, my uncles and some of my sisters, she would talk and talk with hardly any audience participation. :) She was my aunt Naomi, it's as simple as that. But she's not here anymore. I can't really grasp that at the moment. My grandparents all passed away when I was very young and if I think about it, she's the closest thing to a grandparent I had (her kids had children my age). I'm sad that she's gone and I wish I could be at her funeral to say goodbye. But I'll say it in my own way.
Thoughts of my aunt have been swimming through my mind intermittently since Monday. Another thought swirling around in there for the past two weeks have centered on my friend Bethany, one of those decade-long friends, who was due to have her first baby on the 4th of July. I've been checking her blogger and her husband's blogger daily to see if any news was posted. Today I got the news. Bethany had baby Evangeline...well, I don't know what day it was, what with the time difference and only having seen pictures, but the good news is she's here! Bethany has been one of my closest friends since high school, and we've had our ups and downs like any true relationship, but I still consider her to be one of the people who knows me best. And this girl, this woman, has had a baby. This is the girl I used to talk to about how freaky having babies was and how scary all the physical stuff was and oh man, maybe we'd never have babies and we'd adopt instead. Now she's gone and had herself a baby! It's wonderful, and she'll be a great mom. But wow, my head is swimming! When my sister Jessi had her first baby, Logan, it was strange. This was more than two years ago. I grew up with Jessi, you know, she's my sister. The same guys hit on us in high school, and we both loved Andrew Keegan and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. To see a baby in her arms was utterly surreal, but at the same time, she's probably the most natural mother I've witnessed in my lifetime. I've had years to get used to the idea of my friends, my people having babies, but you know what? I just don't feel that grown up. The biggest thing I own is a mixer. I have no real thoughts of buying a house any time in the near future, and I am renting a house with three other people. I'm living in another country, but my current visa expires in three weeks. I'm hopeful to get another visa, but I'm in the land of "waiting room". I graduated from college, but have no career, instead I'm working as a temp doing admin work. I want to go back to school, but I haven't decided what I'll study yet. Will I study international relations? Or get a culinary degree? What about law school? I still feel like I'm five years old and I can't figure out what I want to do with life. The most solid thing I have in my life right now is Marcus, the one thing I can say above all else I know I want in my life. I have one real friend outside of him in Australia. The rest of my friends are all back in Seattle. And Peru. And France. Other than Marcus, I have nothing to keep me anywhere. On the one hand, it's exciting, and I have a world of freedom at my fingertips. On the other hand, it's terrifying and I don't feel like I have enough guts to start something to make me feel like my life is actually going somewhere or has a purpose.
When I left to South America, I thought I would magically stumble upon my purpose in life. That clearly didn't happen, though I admit I found something even better. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to figure this out in a snap and that it will be a progression of this and that, and I have no idea what. I know I need to be patient and maybe when (fingers crossed!) my visa gets approved, I just need to make a decision on what I do, even if it's the wrong one. I guess I'm afraid that if it is the wrong one, I'm just going to end up right back where I am right now. Which would mean a few steps forward and another few steps back. But I suppose I would have eliminated another option, so that would mean I'm still one step closer.
Well, I'm not getting any younger. Give me another couple weeks and we'll see where I am.
Okay, whatever, I'm 26. It's not old, but neither is it young. I realized that I was 18 eight years ago. Eight years ago! I can say I've been friends with people for more than a decade (we moved around a lot so other than my family I can't say I have "lifelong" friends). When my friends started getting married, it was okay, normal, still a bit weird and I always thought, "Aren't we too young for this?" That totally disregards the fact that I almost got married at the age of 21 and refuted anyone who said that I was too young to get married. What's in an age? Besides, I'm mature for my age. Ha. That may have been true when I was younger, but now I just get called grandma and I seem like an old person. Well, I'm starting to feel older. I can see lines around my eyes that didn't used to be there. They're only there before I put on moisturizer, but I know they will slowly creep up on me. I also notice changes in my body, and whereas before I never used to have anything resembling cellulite, I can now see it in certain lights and frankly I don't like it! However, I won't fight it and I know that it's mostly due to my inability to stop eating sugar, as well as for my current winter hibernation habits. A little extra padding on the belly. No more baby fat in the cheeks. I always imagined that all of my pimples would disappear when I got to my 20's, and though it's mostly gone, my skin is harder so when I do get pimples now, if I try to get rid of them in the irresistible fashion of popping, it doesn't work and it makes it redder for longer.
My hands and feet are veinier than they used to be. And although I have less dietary restrictions than other people, I can see the bodily results of my diet. Peru proved this to me over and over again. Let's face it. I'm growing up. I never used to feel like a grown-up, but I realize that I must appear to be one of those giants that I knew my older sisters to be when I was a younger. They were so tall, so grown up, so together! Of course, that was all seen through the eyes of a child. I found out my second year at ACE that this farce of grown-ups having everything "together" is a myth, nothing more than an illusion I am still learning to recognize.
But at this particular point, I'm feeling old for two big reasons. On Monday, I received an email from Peter letting me know that our aunt Naomi had passed away. I'm still unsure of how to process it. This is sad and completely unexpected news, as she didn't have any major health problems that we were aware of. Respiratory failure. This was my aunt that we spent holidays with, our ever so crafty aunt whose miniature dollhouse I coveted every time I entered her home, up until I hit high school. She helped Anna and me make iron-on teddy bear sweaters with sparkly puff paint around the edges. I adored that sweater and wore it for years, always happy that she helped me make something of my own. She was a strong woman and kind to her nieces and nephews (though perhaps not always kind to her sisters-in-law!). She also had the Ferguson gift of gab and loved to talk up a storm. Just like my dad, my uncles and some of my sisters, she would talk and talk with hardly any audience participation. :) She was my aunt Naomi, it's as simple as that. But she's not here anymore. I can't really grasp that at the moment. My grandparents all passed away when I was very young and if I think about it, she's the closest thing to a grandparent I had (her kids had children my age). I'm sad that she's gone and I wish I could be at her funeral to say goodbye. But I'll say it in my own way.
Thoughts of my aunt have been swimming through my mind intermittently since Monday. Another thought swirling around in there for the past two weeks have centered on my friend Bethany, one of those decade-long friends, who was due to have her first baby on the 4th of July. I've been checking her blogger and her husband's blogger daily to see if any news was posted. Today I got the news. Bethany had baby Evangeline...well, I don't know what day it was, what with the time difference and only having seen pictures, but the good news is she's here! Bethany has been one of my closest friends since high school, and we've had our ups and downs like any true relationship, but I still consider her to be one of the people who knows me best. And this girl, this woman, has had a baby. This is the girl I used to talk to about how freaky having babies was and how scary all the physical stuff was and oh man, maybe we'd never have babies and we'd adopt instead. Now she's gone and had herself a baby! It's wonderful, and she'll be a great mom. But wow, my head is swimming! When my sister Jessi had her first baby, Logan, it was strange. This was more than two years ago. I grew up with Jessi, you know, she's my sister. The same guys hit on us in high school, and we both loved Andrew Keegan and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. To see a baby in her arms was utterly surreal, but at the same time, she's probably the most natural mother I've witnessed in my lifetime. I've had years to get used to the idea of my friends, my people having babies, but you know what? I just don't feel that grown up. The biggest thing I own is a mixer. I have no real thoughts of buying a house any time in the near future, and I am renting a house with three other people. I'm living in another country, but my current visa expires in three weeks. I'm hopeful to get another visa, but I'm in the land of "waiting room". I graduated from college, but have no career, instead I'm working as a temp doing admin work. I want to go back to school, but I haven't decided what I'll study yet. Will I study international relations? Or get a culinary degree? What about law school? I still feel like I'm five years old and I can't figure out what I want to do with life. The most solid thing I have in my life right now is Marcus, the one thing I can say above all else I know I want in my life. I have one real friend outside of him in Australia. The rest of my friends are all back in Seattle. And Peru. And France. Other than Marcus, I have nothing to keep me anywhere. On the one hand, it's exciting, and I have a world of freedom at my fingertips. On the other hand, it's terrifying and I don't feel like I have enough guts to start something to make me feel like my life is actually going somewhere or has a purpose.
When I left to South America, I thought I would magically stumble upon my purpose in life. That clearly didn't happen, though I admit I found something even better. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to figure this out in a snap and that it will be a progression of this and that, and I have no idea what. I know I need to be patient and maybe when (fingers crossed!) my visa gets approved, I just need to make a decision on what I do, even if it's the wrong one. I guess I'm afraid that if it is the wrong one, I'm just going to end up right back where I am right now. Which would mean a few steps forward and another few steps back. But I suppose I would have eliminated another option, so that would mean I'm still one step closer.
Well, I'm not getting any younger. Give me another couple weeks and we'll see where I am.
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