Upcoming roadtrip

Yay, roadtrip! We're leaving in six days to go on a roadtrip. I will officially finish my last day at this stupidest of all stupid jobs I've ever had, then I'll hightail it to the airport where I'll meet Marcus, check-in for our flight, and head up to Darwin! We'll arrive around midnight then head to some friends' house to crash for the night. Then, first thing in the morning, we'll go pick up a campervan and be on our way. We'll spend the next 11 days driving from Darwin to Alice Springs during which time we'll see jumping saltwater crocs, frilly-necked lizards (I'm thinking the miniature version of the tar-spitting dinosaur on Jurassic Park), barren flatland, dipping pools, sacred Aboriginal sites, Uluru, and all kinds of good stuff. There will be a LOT of driving (and we're not allowed to drive at night, so a lot of sleeping and playing cards) but I'm really looking forward to some time away from the city to re-center, relax, and re-align myself. Which will be important before officially jumping back into the job search. There are a few different leads I'll follow up and I have a few projects to work on (finishing my visa application is priority number one), but I have hope that I will find something wonderful. But really, at this point just about anything sounds wonderful. My indecision about what I want to do in life has landed me in this office, in a position where people less intelligent than I am think less of me because I'm in a position lower than them. I end up thinking, how did this happen? How have I ended up so low on the food chain? Well, a visa that only lets me work for one employer for six months at a time was certainly a contributor. The recession certainly didn't help, either. But let's be honest, I chose to stay in this crap position for so long so it is partly my fault. I'm hoping to remedy that the next time around and not apply for a single admin position. One of the key pieces of advice I received from one of my bosses at CSF, right before I left for Australia, was to NOT take any more admin positions. Easier said than done, especially when you've been unemployed for over a year and you're living on your savings account! But this time around, I'm going to try harder. I feel so annoyed at my job situation at the moment, that I'm contemplating going back to school earlier than I was planning (other tangent, because the program I want to go to is in Canberra which is inconvenient) and paying exorbitant tuition amounts just so I can start improving myself. So I can get back in the game! Man, I have got to get back in the game...

These are all thoughts that run through my head while I'm at work, and although I know it's temporary (five days, just five days more!), the feeling of inadequacy is not helpful. It makes me take things very seriously and get angry and passionate about things that won't affect me in a very short amount of time. Condescension of co-workers and my boss (I hate that). The bitchy executive assistant to the AG who has no reason to be mean to me at all! She, like the rest of the people in this office, is lazy and will not take responsibility for her own work. They're all such small things, and just an attitude that apparently is rife in the public sector. I cried twice about it yesterday because that's the best way I know to relieve the stress that builds up all day at work (this was even after a hefty gym session where I sweated buckets!) and Marcus smiled at me, laughing that I was so optimistic to have such hopes of the government. But they are the people who are supposed to look out for the citizens of their country. And they do a shitty job of it, this I clearly see in most employees here trying to look out for their own back rather than the greater good. It makes me wonder if I should be working my way into a high government position rather than sticking to the non-profit world that I love.

Anyway, these are all things I've pondered on for a while now and who really knows what will come into my life after this job is done and over with. Fear, excitement...typical emotions of my life. :)

Oh yeah, I went to a meditation session on Saturday morning for the first time ever. Peter has been encouraging me to meditate for years now, but it's just never something that I've had much patience for. I've dabbled here and there, and it's helped at times but it's not something I've ever tried to make permanent. Well, the workshop was good and I was able to stay pretty still the whole time (each of my feet fell asleep at one point or another, and I slumped forward, but I was pretty happy with myself!). It was a meditation focused on breathing. Counting breaths, then just flowing with the breaths and imagining them as waves against the shore...it was interesting. There was part of my brain that was like, "Aaah, I want to get out of this room!" but I kept it under control and I stayed for the whole one-hour session. I felt calm afterward, and I'm not sure if it was the fact that it was the weekend, or the fact that I was going to meet Marcus soon, but I did feel calm for the rest of the day. We went to a weekend market that was lovely (I bought the coolest ring from a stall that makes things out of old silverware--my ring's made out of some old spoonhandle or something and it's fantastic!). We strolled around, bought a tandoori chicken wrap then some candied nuts...we wandered around in a used bookstore (I found a Spanish copy of D.H. Lawrence's "Sons and Lovers"), then in a shopping center (I was seriously on a roll...I found liter bottles of my favorite shampoo and conditioner on sale for 50% off!), bought some milkshakes, then wandered on home. We took a nap which was awfully difficult to wake up from, then went out for Japanese with some friends. Sunday we lounged around the house, I made pancakes, we went for a walk up to Sydney Park and read...then, after we got back, I made alfajores for probably the first time in over a year. I was really frightened that they weren't going to turn out, but they did! They were just as heavenly as ever! When Bec ate her first cookie, she said it was her favorite cookie of mine that she'd had and one of the best she'd ever had. While she was eating her second cookie, she said it was the best cookie she'd ever had in her life. YAY! Success... I love a good cookie success.

And I really love my weekend life. It's so much better than my weekday life. My weekday life just drains the happiness right out of me...I'm going to work on that. I don't have to let people get to me...I'm going to keep telling myself that!